Being the 1st year in Masters Commission!

Have you every felt like the outsider? The one who's not AS apart of the group as others are? Have you ever thought maybe your putting yourself as the outside? Not wanting to get close to people. You get close enough to be their "friend" but back up and become the outsider when you start getting scared of trusting, opening up, or letting them care about you.

That's me right there. It's so hard for me to trust people, let them into my world and know that they want to care but i wont let them... For instance: Here's what I have to say about our team, our family...

PR~Pastor Richard: I have mad respect for him because he is spending his life reaching, teaching, and loving kids...loving kids that don't know what love feels like. I thank him and respect him that he took a chance on me. It's kind of like what Pastor Joshua said, "People that he was a liability to this ministry but Pastor Richard took a chance on him and here he is." Like I could have just gone to college, became a big fancy doctor, lawyer or anything else and been able to support myself and the family i may one day have. But the day I met PR all that changed, he took a chance, not even knowing where I've been or knowing much if anything about me. Just what Maypple has said about me but it's so easy for people to put on fasads and act like there doing good, when they are not. PR took a chance on me, he told me to go home fill out the application and we'd start the visa process in a few weeks. That's all. He allowed me to hang with him and his team, let me stay at the hotel. He just took a chance on me whether he knows it or not. As much as I respect him and thank him for all hes done, i don't trust him.. and PR if you read this, I'm sorry but it's true. But its not just you...read on..

PJ~ Pastor Joshua: Then there is Pastor Joshua who is possible one of the funniest people on this earth, or he may think he is. =P I have respect for him, he's sitting in this dessert with us, the wilderness, wanting to be in Brasil. Back with the team he got to trust him, and to be able to see his girlfriend.. He constantly tells me who loves me and that i shouldn't think its me against every one else and if anything its me and him against everyone else because he's on my side. He wants me to trust him, but i don't. Maybe during charades but in real life it's hard.

Brucie Bruce Bruce: This boy is possibly the funniest Mexiblack person I've ever met. Yes I just said Mexiblack. It's my new word.. haha... We've established our relationship, one day he called himself my big brother and every since we've been so. He will call me little sister, ill call him big brother..kinda cute..haha.. He's really easy to talk to but I don't trust him. Me being a girl, and him a guy, it's really hard to establish that talking and trusting relationship anyways. I try to distance myself. Besides all guys do is hurt you anyways...=/ Ain't that a shame..

Margaret: This woman really does talk alot, but I enjoy it, it makes up for me not talking.. =] Margaret is an amazing person, I possible could kill for her hugs..haha She tried to be bad cop with me yesterday..haha.. PJ took her job though and I think she said something like, "hey I'm the bad cop" lol... "So what should we say at our goal meetings Margaret" Nellie said. "Here's an example, I'd be like heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" hahaha.. That was funny, but anyways there are so many good things about her, and as much as I want to trust her, I don't.

Janel: Nellie: Nellie is possible the sweetest people woman person you'll ever meet. And if you have the pleasure take that advantage. Last night on our prayer walk me and Nellie were pared as a team after we finish praying by our self and we had a good talk. She told me she was just like me with the trust issues he first year. And that it's good to be able to talk to someone rather than saying your "good" all the time. She right, but I'm so use to keeping everything inside, that's what I'm good at. It's so easy to want to trust people but the trusting is so hard.

Lindsey: Lindsey is my roommate kindaish person at our host home. She's pretty cool. PJ says we fight like married people but what they don't understand is most the time we're just messing around. It's funny. Hi moon. =p I like hanging out with her in her room just laughing at stupid stuff. But then again we need our ALONE time. Like i said it's hard to trust.


You see all these people are great people, we're family right. But trusting them is another story. I'm sorry but that's the truth. Bruce told me theres apart of me that I keep hidden and don't show them, and that I need to. But the honest truth is I probably wont. I ask God for strength to trust them but its so hard.
That is all for now.